THE DREAMS OF YESTERDAY…

Part two…

There was silence, only to be broken by the intermittent coughing of one of Kofi Ben’s kids from his new marriage. Then came the pensive, curious stillness. At this point, Fiifi felt the disorienting presence of a gap between his state of mind and that stillness. He knew in that silence laid many buried memories, disputes from a broken marriage of which he was only a by-product. This burden of responsibility, or guilty, maybe, however misplaced that thought was, deeply distressed him. He desperately wanted to find a way to leave to spare his father this awkward silence. Fiifi was therefore stunned when his father agreed to his request. Even more astonishing was Kofi Ben’s offer to drive Fiifi back home.

It was a Thursday, the day before the deadline for the payment of fees, when Kofi Ben came back to the village to pick up Fiifi . In silence, they drove to the bank, where Kofi Ben paid the fees in full.

The morning of August 14^th, 2018 was drizzly and unreasonably cool. Fiifi was excited to finally be in the university. As he unpacked his belongings in the small room, he wondered if he would make any friends here. He had left behind his childhood friends in the village, and he felt lonely and out of place in this big city. He had always been a shy and quiet boy, who preferred reading books to playing games. He was looking forward to making new friends but he knew that was going to be challenging. He wondered how he’d fit in as a young boy from the countryside in this vast city. He knew he was only slowly go to make friends but whatever friendship he was able to cultivate here would be a permanent feature in his intellectual life.

He hoped that he would find some like-minded people in his course of study, which was Physics.

He knew he’d be learning new things. He had always been a curious person and he was eager to explore all that the university had to offer.

He was impressed by the architecture and history of Katanga hall after his visit there. He visited other halls of residence and was amazed by the diversity of people he met. He made conversations with people from different backgrounds and cultures.

He was excited to start his classes and learn more about the subject. Despite his initial doubts about the value of his educational journey, he knew that he was in the right place and he had made the right decision to pursue his dreams.

Libraries have always been a mystical, silent solitude for Emefa. The solitude suited her. Indeed she spent much of her time there. On this day, she was going to the library with her roommate, Dorcas. She had known Dorcas from their time in senior high school. Dorcas was a very pretty lady and was always the talk-of-town whenever they met for inter-schools sports competition. She was the dream of every popular boy in their sports zone. Stories of the extent some of these boys went to court the attention of Dorcas then were legendary. She was surprised to discover when she was assigned her room that Dorcas was her roommate. Emefa did not believe that was coincidence but she kept her thoughts to herself.

He was about to turn back to his hall when he saw a familiar face in the crowd. It was Dorcas, his high school crush. He had not seen her since they graduated a year ago and certainly didn’t expect to see her on campus. She had been the most popular girl during their zonal sports festival; cool, beautiful, and outgoing. She had never taken notice of him because he was not a popular boy in high school.He had never been adept with women,  he never had the courage to tell her how he felt about her. He wondered if she would remember him or even recognize him.

With his satellite-dish ears and stern eyes, he felt a renewed confidence as he called out her name softly, hoping she would hear him. He felt his heart beat faster as he approached her. She looked confused and asked who he was.

Fiifi felt a pang of disappointment and embarrassment. He realized that she had probably never noticed him in the first place. He stammered out his name and reminded her that they had been in the same sports zone in high school.

Dorcas’ eyes widened in  surprise. She apologized for not remembering him, and said that it had been a long time since they probably last met at the sports festival. She asked him how he was doing and what he was studying. Fiifi told her that he was studying Physics. He told her he was just on his way back to the hall after a study group discussion at the library.

She said that she was glad to see him again, and that they should keep in touch.

Fiifi felt a mix of emotions as he listened to her. He was happy that she was doing well, but he also felt intimidated by her staggering beauty. He wondered if they had anything in common, or if they could ever be more than friends. He nodded and smiled politely, but he felt a distance between them. All this time, Fiifi had not even noticed the presence of Dorcas, who was standing few steps from him. In the two months since their matriculation, Emefa had met Fiifi only once when they bumped into each other at the Faculty of Science building.

He asked her if she wanted to join him for a cup of coffee at the cafeteria, hoping to prolong their conversation and maybe find some connection. She checked her watch and said that she was sorry, but she had to go. She said she was on her way to the library with Emefa for a group project, and that she was already late. She gave him her phone number and told him to call her sometime. He hugged her briefly and said goodbye to both of them.

Fiifi watched them walk away, feeling a sense of loss. He wondered if he would ever see her again, or if she would ever answer his call. He felt like he had missed his chance with her, and that he had nothing to offer her. He felt bad at his treatment of Emefa. He could not understand why he had ignored her all these weeks. He knew he could not decipher the intentions of women but he could not stop wondering if he had destroyed his friendship with Emefa in that fleeting moment of chasing a fantasy. He sighed and walked back to his hall, feeling more lonely than ever.

Fiifi tried to call Dorcas several times over the next few days, but she never answered. He left her messages and texts, but she never replied. He wondered if she had given him a fake number, or if she had simply forgotten about him. He felt hurt and rejected, but he also felt a stubborn hope that maybe she was just busy and that she would eventually call him back.

He decided to focus on his studies and try to forget about her. He immersed himself in his books and assignments, and  tried to make some friends in his classes. He met a few people who shared his interest in politics and philosophy. He joined a debating society and started spending more of his free time at library. He started to enjoy his college life a bit more, yet he could not shake off the acute feeling of loneliness.

He often wondered about the coincidence of their meeting. Was it fate? To assign fate to their chance meeting would have required him having belief in a deity. He did not believe. He tried twice to get to talk to Dorcas by calling Emefa. On both occasions, Emefa was at the lecture hall, sending only a text to reply. He could not pester her with his love-stagestruck so he abandoned that plan.

With the curtain drawn, the room was unusually dark. He seemed different, smaller, and depressed. His pain at Dorcas’ rejection surprised him but he was determined to work through it. His first end of semester examination was just a week away. He was confident in his preparation. It was a cool Sunday mid-morning yet the sun was not yet out fully. That was unusual for this time of the season in this part of the country. He thought of how to spend the rest of the day. He was taking a break from his books today.

He thought of his freedom for the day, wondered how others dealt with that vastness of space and time. He was scared to do with his freedom what his roommate, Ato, did with what he called his ‘freedom Fridays’. Ato spent his ‘freedom Fridays’ drinking beer at the Black Shade pub just across the university gate. He could not do that. His lone experience with alcohol was not a pleasant one and was sure not to repeat it in a while.

He wished he had rather gone to church. He still did not have faith but still had a fondness for church. It served a social need in his young mind. Beneath his fascination with church rituals laid a certain skepticism about faith though. Yet he wished he had heeded to the words of the Jehovah Witnesses who had invited him to their temple earlier that morning. He admired their dedication but knew he was not going. In his fourteen weeks on campus, he had been to church service just once. On that occasion, he had stumbled to the service out of curiosity rather than a genuine call out of worship of a deity. He hated the noise the music generated and never went back.

He walked out onto the street in front of his hall in the brilliant afternoon light. The street was empty. He loved the quietness. He valued the stillness of the silence. He walked on, lost in his many thoughts. He thought of the music of his past and smiled at the flurry of emotions that memory evoked.

Few metres to the second administration block around the commercial area of the university campus, there was a coffee shop. He didn’t particularly care for coffee at that hour but he loved the soft music that was being played and it was uncrowded at that hour.

He was crossing the road to the coffee shop when he saw Dorcas again. She was with a group of people, laughing and talking. She looked radiant and confident, and dressed elegantly. Fiifi recognized one of the people with her as Jude, a popular and handsome guy who was studying engineering. He had seen him around campus, and he had heard that he was rich and smart. He also noticed that Dorcas and Jude were holding hands.

Fiifi felt a surge of jealousy and anger. It dawned on him that Dorcas had a boyfriend, and that it was not him. He wondered if she had been dating Jude all along, or if she had met him after their encounter. He wondered if she had ever cared about him at all. He felt like he had been betrayed and humiliated. The absurdity of this feeling also intrigued him.

He wanted to confront her, to ask her why she had ignored him and lied to him. He wanted to tell her how he felt about her, and how much he had suffered because of her. He wanted to make her feel guilty and sorry for what she had done.

But he didn’t have the courage to do any of that. He knew that it would be pointless and pathetic. He knew that she would not care about his feelings, or even remember his name. He knew that he had no chance with her, and that he had to accept the reality.

He turned around and walked away, trying not to look back. He felt tears stinging his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He told himself that he was better off without her, and that he would find someone else who would appreciate him and love him for who he was.

But deep down, he knew that he was lying to himself. He knew that he still loved her, and that he would always love her. He knew that he would never forget her, or get over her. He knew that he had lost the only girl who had ever made his heart beat faster.

He knew that this was the end of his story.